All Through The Night

Oh my Sweet William…Mum is missing you so badly. My heart hurts with such a searing pain that it feels like knife twisting and slashing over and over and over…My heart is breaking…my soul is brought to the dust…I just want to die right now and go to heaven…me and dad and Char and be with you and Jesus forever..I’m hurting so bad I don’t know what to do…I cry out to God for help…for mercy…but when I cried for His mercy when they found your car underwater….no mercy came….like I feel today….that no matter how hard I cry out to Jesus…no matter how hard I pray…no mercy comes…no relief from the heart-wrenching pain.

I want to be able to smile for you….to be there for your Dad and Charlotte because I know how bad they are hurting too…oh dear God….why, why, why did it all have to happen this way…I cry out in my pain and grief…tears rush down my face like a river…Dear God forgive me for questioning your deity, your sovereignty…your decision to take William home even in such a horrible, tragic car accident...for you are the God that gives and takes away…God I’m so sorry. I know my little brown boy is in a better place but that can’t take away the grief and hurt inside of me…it is paralyzing me…I couldn't even think about anything else anymore as the 5 year anniversary of the day he went missing came and went this past Christmas of 2010.
I think of the days we spent fasting and praying and searching so hard for our son….it all comes back like a nightmare to scream over and over through my mind…never ending until I am overcome with weeping…Weeping is supposed to endure through the night and joy is supposed to come in the morning…this is the longest night I have ever lived…just over five years now…is it really true that it has been that long since we have seen our Sweet William? Is it really possible that it is really five years already???

It feels like just yesterday since I last saw your radiant smile and hugged you and told you I loved you and yet it feels like an eternity at the same time, since I was able to hold you and kiss your brown cheeks.…I miss you Will, more than mere words can even convey…I love you so much…you and Charlotte both…my two beacons of light and joy in this world…our two children…Maybe we loved too much and that is why God took you? To test our love for Him if He took someone we loved so dearly?

It makes me so fearful that we will lose Charlotte too…I get so afraid that God will take Charlotte or your Dad from me too…I know it is wrong to worry about that so much…but I cannot help it. The fear is overwhelming that something will happen to them too….Dear God…please tell William that I love him and that I cannot wait to leave this life and get to heaven to be there with you, my God, and be with my son William again forever. And in the meantime…Dear God…have mercy…spare the rest of my family…and heal my torn and broken heart so that once again I can smile for my Sweet William…please…