Oh William...My William...

Oh William...My William...

Mums is missing you so much...My heart just hurts inside so badly that it is hard to even breathe...
I wonder on days like today, how one can go on living day to day with a pain so deep inside...but then I know that there is One...There is God...He is my strength and hope when my heart is hurting so badly...
I know that you are in His presence...I know that even if you could...you would not want to come back to this messed up world....I know that you are in a place of peace and joy and beauty...but it does not take the ache of missing my only beloved son away...
Just know, Sweet William, how much your mum and dad love you...Know that we would give anything to have you back again...And if our love could have kept you alive...You'd be alive still!
Ohhhhh....I miss my "boy-hugs"...I just miss you and your beautiful, radiant smile...your crazy dances on top of the car on the side of the freeway while you were waiting for dad to come with a new tire to fix your flat....You danced on top of that camaro until a Highway Patrol pulled over and made you get down because you were backing up traffic for miles!!! That is just the crazy kind of things you would do to make people laugh!!! We miss you Will, so much!
We love you with all of our hearts and souls and cannot wait to get to Heaven to be with Jesus and worship our God WITH you together again forever and ever!
OHHHHH I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU FOREVER !!!! I just can't say it enough!!!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Can you feel the love?

All Through The Night

Oh my Sweet William…Mum is missing you so badly. My heart hurts with such a searing pain that it feels like knife twisting and slashing over and over and over…My heart is breaking…my soul is brought to the dust…I just want to die right now and go to heaven…me and dad and Char and be with you and Jesus forever..I’m hurting so bad I don’t know what to do…I cry out to God for help…for mercy…but when I cried for His mercy when they found your car underwater….no mercy came….like I feel today….that no matter how hard I cry out to Jesus…no matter how hard I pray…no mercy comes…no relief from the heart-wrenching pain.

I want to be able to smile for you….to be there for your Dad and Charlotte because I know how bad they are hurting too…oh dear God….why, why, why did it all have to happen this way…I cry out in my pain and grief…tears rush down my face like a river…Dear God forgive me for questioning your deity, your sovereignty…your decision to take William home even in such a horrible, tragic car accident...for you are the God that gives and takes away…God I’m so sorry. I know my little brown boy is in a better place but that can’t take away the grief and hurt inside of me…it is paralyzing me…I couldn't even think about anything else anymore as the 5 year anniversary of the day he went missing came and went this past Christmas of 2010.
I think of the days we spent fasting and praying and searching so hard for our son….it all comes back like a nightmare to scream over and over through my mind…never ending until I am overcome with weeping…Weeping is supposed to endure through the night and joy is supposed to come in the morning…this is the longest night I have ever lived…just over five years now…is it really true that it has been that long since we have seen our Sweet William? Is it really possible that it is really five years already???

It feels like just yesterday since I last saw your radiant smile and hugged you and told you I loved you and yet it feels like an eternity at the same time, since I was able to hold you and kiss your brown cheeks.…I miss you Will, more than mere words can even convey…I love you so much…you and Charlotte both…my two beacons of light and joy in this world…our two children…Maybe we loved too much and that is why God took you? To test our love for Him if He took someone we loved so dearly?

It makes me so fearful that we will lose Charlotte too…I get so afraid that God will take Charlotte or your Dad from me too…I know it is wrong to worry about that so much…but I cannot help it. The fear is overwhelming that something will happen to them too….Dear God…please tell William that I love him and that I cannot wait to leave this life and get to heaven to be there with you, my God, and be with my son William again forever. And in the meantime…Dear God…have mercy…spare the rest of my family…and heal my torn and broken heart so that once again I can smile for my Sweet William…please…

Day 2...Missing Will

I am missing you today…just like every day that

goes by without you. It is hard to make it through

each one of them, missing you like I do.

I just wish things didn’t turn out the way

they did…I wonder why it had to happen,

especially like that?

I’ve read that God will not put on us more

than we can bear….is that really true?

Then why does it hurt so badly?

Why is my heart breaking like it is?

Why can’t I be strong and get through this???

I know I will never get over it…like

someone told me to do – I could not believe

it when someone told me that it had been

long enough and I should have gotten

over it by now? I will miss you as long

as you are gone...I will grieve for 

you as until we are all in Heaven...

Together once again.

I am still stunned and in a state

of shock…and I still cannot believe that

you are really gone from us forever in

this life….I just want to hug my only

son one more time…Please God, Tell

my William that I love him

with all of my heart…please…