Father's Day 2010

Today is Father's Day & you should be celebrating your Dad with Charlotte...but all we have his memorials of your anniversary or your birthday...yet still at each one your Dad lets us all know how much he loves you & misses you & tells stories about the great times he had being your Dad & all your funny stories & we are missing you more than ever...You were your Dad's best buddy & he misses you so much...you are missing at his Father's Day dinner today. You should be with him...but God had other plans & my heart breaks a little more when I see your Dad miss you so much...it's just not right that you are no longer with us...that you will not be here to carry on the family name & that your Dad was so proud to have a son...so that our name would be kept alive...
If our love could have kept you alive...You'd be alive still, William...
Time cannot take away the hurt - It is impossible - One cannot merely turn the page as if it were a book and begin another chapter...The wound goes too deep...the agony of loss too great to heal. Part of our hearts and souls died when our son died...and we will never be the same people again...not ever, ever be the same people that we were  before the accident...we are forever changed.
We miss our only beloved son dreadfully...I listen every day to the voicemail on my phone that he left me...calling just to tell me that he loved me...God knew I needed that message...I guess heaven needed our son more than we did...Is that possible?
I think of every moment of time we had with our only son & I count each moment as a beautiful treasure from heaven...given to us to enrich our lives! God truly blessed us with the best son in the whole world...our little brown boy....our Sweet William who was ornery & crazy & funny & lovable & silly and & downright cute! Oh dear God sometimes I think I will go mad with longing to have one of his "boy-hugs" again...William, we miss you so much...your crazy faces & your radiant white smile & the silly dances & jokes & pranks oh.....how can we bear it...no more music coming out of your room...your drums and bass guitar are still and silent.....& soon your room will have to be packed away because we have to leave our little "House of Dreams" our very first home that has so many carvings of your initials everywhere...
It's not right...I need to be in this our little home, to do your laundry & cook your meals & take care of you if you get sick...& just be your mum.....like I've always done....that is what I am supposed to do....so what do I do now? You are really truly gone & that is what is making me die on the inside & breaking my heart a little more every day...
Maybe we loved you too much? Is there such a thing?
Forever loving & missing you sweet William,
Pepe & Mums xoxo to you in Heaven Little Brown Boy. We love you for ever & miss you till heaven...  

Celebrating William's Life

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.
~Author Unknown~


Thinking of you today William...
Remembering your smile, your
laughter, your crazy faces and silly,
crazier dances...your talent, your
strength, your sheer love of life
and zest for living...Today, I am
celebrating who you are within
my mother's heart....it is hard,
but it is very beautiful too...
I love you forever and miss
you till heaven! xoxo

All Through The Night

Oh my Sweet William…Mum is missing you so badly. My heart hurts with such a searing pain that it feels like knife twisting and slashing over and over and over…My heart is breaking…my soul is brought to the dust…I just want to die right now and go to heaven…me and dad and Char and be with you and Jesus forever..I’m hurting so bad I don’t know what to do…I cry out to God for help…for mercy…but when I cried for His mercy when they found your car underwater….no mercy came….like I feel today….that no matter how hard I cry out to Jesus…no matter how hard I pray…no mercy comes…no relief from the heart-wrenching pain.

I want to be able to smile for you….to be there for your Dad and Charlotte because I know how bad they are hurting too…oh dear God….why, why, why did it all have to happen this way…I cry out in my pain and grief…tears rush down my face like a river…Dear God forgive me for questioning your deity, your sovereignty…your decision to take William home even in such a horrible, tragic car accident...for you are the God that gives and takes away…God I’m so sorry. I know my little brown boy is in a better place but that can’t take away the grief and hurt inside of me…it is paralyzing me…I couldn't even think about anything else anymore as the 5 year anniversary of the day he went missing came and went this past Christmas of 2010.
I think of the days we spent fasting and praying and searching so hard for our son….it all comes back like a nightmare to scream over and over through my mind…never ending until I am overcome with weeping…Weeping is supposed to endure through the night and joy is supposed to come in the morning…this is the longest night I have ever lived…just over five years now…is it really true that it has been that long since we have seen our Sweet William? Is it really possible that it is really five years already???

It feels like just yesterday since I last saw your radiant smile and hugged you and told you I loved you and yet it feels like an eternity at the same time, since I was able to hold you and kiss your brown cheeks.…I miss you Will, more than mere words can even convey…I love you so much…you and Charlotte both…my two beacons of light and joy in this world…our two children…Maybe we loved too much and that is why God took you? To test our love for Him if He took someone we loved so dearly?

It makes me so fearful that we will lose Charlotte too…I get so afraid that God will take Charlotte or your Dad from me too…I know it is wrong to worry about that so much…but I cannot help it. The fear is overwhelming that something will happen to them too….Dear God…please tell William that I love him and that I cannot wait to leave this life and get to heaven to be there with you, my God, and be with my son William again forever. And in the meantime…Dear God…have mercy…spare the rest of my family…and heal my torn and broken heart so that once again I can smile for my Sweet William…please…

Day 2...Missing Will

I am missing you today…just like every day that

goes by without you. It is hard to make it through

each one of them, missing you like I do.

I just wish things didn’t turn out the way

they did…I wonder why it had to happen,

especially like that?

I’ve read that God will not put on us more

than we can bear….is that really true?

Then why does it hurt so badly?

Why is my heart breaking like it is?

Why can’t I be strong and get through this???

I know I will never get over it…like

someone told me to do – I could not believe

it when someone told me that it had been

long enough and I should have gotten

over it by now? I will miss you as long

as you are gone...I will grieve for 

you as until we are all in Heaven...

Together once again.

I am still stunned and in a state

of shock…and I still cannot believe that

you are really gone from us forever in

this life….I just want to hug my only

son one more time…Please God, Tell

my William that I love him

with all of my heart…please…

Missing My Only Beloved Son

My heart is broken ... I cannot sleep tonight.

Memories of the past fill my mind, the

happy days when our son was still alive

and with us...Holidays, when we were

all together and chain of our family love

was not broken. My heart cries in silence

while I try to smile for my

beloved husband and daughter.

I miss my son with all my heart and soul.

 Nothing can ever heal the hurt ...it is

a scorching, hot pain that will never

leave me.

I will love you always,

my sweet William.

Every moment with you were with

us is saved in our hearts, every single

memory is a priceless treasure.

I love you always, with all my

heart. I will never have peace again

until we are all come together

again in heaven with our

Heavenly Father...all of our family

together once more...

only this time it will be forever.



Not Just September...Wake Me Up When December Ends

        The words of this song...

"Wake Me Up When September Ends"

For me should read...

"Wake Me Up When December Ends"...

If I could just go to sleep today and wake up

in January or perhaps not wake up at all...

Just fly away to heaven...my whole family...

Just all of us fly away to heaven right now...

Life would be so much easier...

I miss my son so very much...

I miss his laughter and his

Beautiful, radiant smile...

I miss the perfect circle of our

Family...always together...

Hearts full of love...

I miss you Sweet William

My heart is broken...

Life can never, ever be the same again.

My desire is for all of us to

Be all together in Heaven...

Soon...

Missing My Lil Brown Boy On Mother's Day

I went up to your place, my son, and looked all about at folks leaving flowers and balloons, paying tribute to their mothers...but I was paying tribute to the tender loving, yet totally extreme memories of my only beloved son.

Missing you is the hardest thing I've ever lived through in my life...Holding the heart and hand of a little baby....and letting go of the hand of a handsome young man in the prime of his life. My heart will never heal from the pain of losing you, my son...I will always remember how much joy and happiness you brought to our family, what a pleasure your presence brought to our home...what a wonderful brother, best friend, and protector of your sister that you were...she told us that she didn't just lose her brother, but she lost her best friend.

We spent the time together today....just Charlotte, your dad and I the three of us together...and how much we missed your happy, radiant smile...it's just not the same with you gone and never will be again.

Charlotte misses you so much too...she doesn't have another brother or sister to turn to...you were always there for her.

I love you Sweet William, with all the love a Mother's Heart can hold...Forever and ever to eternity and back again.

xoxo to you in heaven, my only beloved son.

Forever 19

Forever Young,

Forever In Our Hearts

Forever Will